“Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.”

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.

Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.

Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?

I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.

Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.

Clouds never get tired of giving rain to us; and you, you must never get tired of giving your love! Valentine’s Day is a day to remember to give more, to love more, it is a day to behave like a heavy rain!

Folk whose own behavior is most ridiculous are always to the fore in slandering others.

A novice always behaves with propriety.

We may think that we have stored things to suit our behavior, but usually we have unconsciously adjusted our actions to match where things are stored.

The cat does not offer services. The cat offers itself.

If we behave like those on the other side, then we are the other side. Instead of changing the world, all we’ll achieve is a reflection of the one we want to destroy.

A whale ship was my Yale College and my Harvard.