All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
NORM MACDONALDWith the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
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Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
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Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.
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The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.
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Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.
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A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.
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They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.
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You can’t love your team without hating another team.
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The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
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During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.
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I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
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They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
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The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.
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A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
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I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
NORM MACDONALD