Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
NORM MACDONALDYou ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
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Few people love with the violence they hate.
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All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
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When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
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He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
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Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
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With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
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Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
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When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.
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You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?
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I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
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In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
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Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
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There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
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In love, we are best pleased when we please others.
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.
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Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
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