“Few people love with the violence they hate.”

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.

I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

They’ll try to point out your flaws because they hate their own.

I love informality. I hate dressing up. I hate to be conventional – and I hate every kind of snob.

Love me or hate me,I don’t care. I’m doing what i like. I’m happy.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

I have a great love and respect for religion, great love and respect for atheism. What I hate is agnosticism, people who do not choose.

I passionately hate the idea of being with it; I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time.

Your happiness is the biggest punishment for your haters.

It is only by softening and disguising dead flesh by culinary preparation that it is rendered susceptible of mastication or digestion, and that the sight of its bloody juices and raw horror does not excite intolerable loathing and disgust.