All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
NORM MACDONALDFew people love with the violence they hate.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
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A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.
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A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.
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Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.
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Most men will go farther to give advice than to follow their own opinion.
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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
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If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.
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Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
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There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
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I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.
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He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
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The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
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You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.
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The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
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I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
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Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
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I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
NORM MACDONALD