“I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.”

A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?

I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.

I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.

Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.

With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.

A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.

Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.

Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.

They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.

Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I don’t have any ambition.

College just didn’t even have computers for an under-curriculum when I started college.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

Rap music is just computerised crap. I listen to Top of the Pops and after three songs I feel like killing someone.

I definitely have a piece of tape over my computer at home.

I think some of the most interesting stuff was seeing how the Dark Web works and seeing how easy it is for hackers to break into your computer or your bank account or your private information.

I had one typewriter for 50 years, but I have bought seven computers in six years. I suppose that’s why Bill Gates is rich, and Underwood is out of business.

The fastest thing computers do is go obsolete.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.