The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
NORM MACDONALDThe young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.
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You can’t love your team without hating another team.
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I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.
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I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
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The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
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There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
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I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
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I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.
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I don’t have any ambition.
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Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
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Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.
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In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
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I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don’t like to memorize words.
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Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
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Few people love with the violence they hate.
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All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
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In love, we are best pleased when we please others.
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Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
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When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
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Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
NORM MACDONALD