Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
NORM MACDONALDThe reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.
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A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.
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The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
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When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
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The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there’s always beer.
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The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.
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Few people love with the violence they hate.
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We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.
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Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?
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This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
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It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
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I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don’t like to memorize words.
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.
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All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.
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Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
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I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
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They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.
NORM MACDONALD