It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.
NORM MACDONALDSome people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.
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In estimating the adversities of life, we would seldom have much reason to complain of the evils we suffer, did we understand the dangers we daily escape.
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Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
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Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
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Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
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Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
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The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.
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You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.
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I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
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I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
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All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
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Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.
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I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
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There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.
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The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
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You can’t love your team without hating another team.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
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Liberty, like health, appears most precious when lost.
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They say that if you’re afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you’re actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I’m afraid of dogs.
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I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don’t like to memorize words.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
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I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.
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It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.
NORM MACDONALD