I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.
NORM MACDONALDA great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
More Norm MacDonald Quotes
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The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.
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I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
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I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
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In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That’s what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn’t have a stupid opinion about it.
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During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.
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Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.
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I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.
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I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don’t like to memorize words.
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Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.
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Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.
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He that searches for praise will often find contempt.
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In love, we are best pleased when we please others.
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Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
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I don’t really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.
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There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
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Instead of loving your enemies, have no enemies to love.
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A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.
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A readiness to excuse some faults, shows a disposition to commit others.
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I don’t have any ambition.
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Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.
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Enjoyment inflames love in some men, and extinguishes it in others: the wind that assists large vessels, upsets small ones.
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The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
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Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.
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A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.
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Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.
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The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.
NORM MACDONALD