“It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.”

Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter’s moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

I generally have a real strong idea or a strong punchline, and I just try to get to it by rambling around, as I don’t like to memorize words.

The standard of morals is as variable as morals themselves; of which every nation has a different code, and every custom a different reading.

Few people love with the violence they hate.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn’t have any money on it.

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don’t care for him.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that’s a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I’ve seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he’s lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.

The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

A man is the sum of his misfortunes.

The young people I meet want more freedom – to start firms, keep more of what they earn, and move to areas with opportunities without paying a fortune.

I had my father’s mind, but he had his mother’s mind. Fortunately, his mother lived with us and so I early realized that intellectual abilities of the kind I shared with my father and grandmother were not sex-linked.

It was my great good fortune, while I was still a student at college, to have possessed a copy of an English translation of his great work.

One of the sanest, surest, and most generous joys of life comes from being happy over the good fortune of others.

Truly generous men are always ready to become sympathetic when their enemy’s misfortune surpasses the limits of their hatred.

Fortune, seeing that she could not make fools wise, has made them lucky.

We are always in a hurry to be happy; for when we have suffered a long time, we have great difficulty in believing in good fortune.