“All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.”

I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.

Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.

Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

I’m thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.

You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh?

I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

To speak of atrocious crime in mild language is treason to virtue.

Christ didn’t die just so you could make to heaven; He lives so you can make it through earth!

They wanna hang us, see us dead, or enslave us, keep us trapped in the same place we raised in. Then they wonder why we act so outrageous, run around stressed out and pull out gauges.

If I should die this very day, Don’t cry…cause on Earth We wasn’t meant to stay.

If I died tomorrow, I would be a happy girl.

The stakes are too high for us to die with a small vision.

If God has given His Son to die for us, let us beware of doubting His kindness and love in any painful providence of our daily life.

We’re living or dying. We’re already dead, the living dead. So do what you gotta do. Take care of your family, of yourself as a whole, and everything will be alright.