“All my life’s about is cracking up people and them cracking me up and trying not to think about dying. That doesn’t cost very much money.”

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.

I don’t care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

I don’t know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it’s fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.

I got my computer. The great thing about the computer is that you only need enough money to buy a computer and some food, and you’re all right. I don’t have to go to premières.

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.’ I don’t own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I’d have to buy something to protect it then.

Though you may be last to discover your follies, be always first to correct them.

They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.

Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.

Flattery succeeds best on minds previously occupied by conceit.

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

But a kingdom that has once been destroyed can never come again into being; nor can the dead ever be brought back to life.

We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.

Life is short, we never when it’ll be our last breath.

Loneliness is a black hole, a darkness, a frightening negative state almost like death.

There is no life to be found in violence. Every act of violence brings us closer to death.

Death is easier than a wretched life; and better never to have born than to live and fare badly.

Before my death I hope to obtain my life

He lives as though death shall never come to him – but dies in a way as if he were never born.