Denying racism is the new racism.
BILL MAHERI’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
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I feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.
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If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
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The cable TV sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people, and don’t come in clearly enough.
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If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
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To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.
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If you think you have it tough, read history books.
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There’s a phrase we live by in America: “In God We Trust”. It’s right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
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A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
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The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.
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America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
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If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
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If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’
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In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.
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One of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time.
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When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.
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The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
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It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.
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Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it’s sexy but one thing that men never think is, “Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.”
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Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?
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I’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.
BILL MAHER -
Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
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You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
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Funny that all of Nixon’s crimes – anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars – are all legal now. Discuss.
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Just honest. To me, being ‘politically incorrect’ means the opposite of being political — which means to spin everything. That’s all it’s ever meant to me. It’s never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.
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I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
BILL MAHER