I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
BILL MAHERThe plain fact is: religion must die for mankind to live.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
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The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.
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Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.
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Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
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The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.
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Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.
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Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
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Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep and conformists.
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If you believe that the world is going to come to an end – and perhaps any day now – does it not drain one’s motivation to improve life on earth while we’re here?
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Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.
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Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
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I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
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I always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
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Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.
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Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
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I don’t know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.
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I feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.
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Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
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To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.
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America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
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Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.
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Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
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The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
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To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.
BILL MAHER