America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
BILL MAHERIs it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?
More Bill Maher Quotes
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If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
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If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.
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As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it.
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Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!
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I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
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Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
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The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
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If you think you have it tough, read history books.
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Death is nature’s way of killing you.
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Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?
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A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
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To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.
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Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
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Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
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You can’t pray away global warming, and that’s the difference between religious people and sane people.
BILL MAHER