If it weren’t for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.
BILL MAHERIf Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?
More Bill Maher Quotes
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They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
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If you believe that the world is going to come to an end – and perhaps any day now – does it not drain one’s motivation to improve life on earth while we’re here?
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Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.
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The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
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I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
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If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’
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I don’t know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.
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Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.
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Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.
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If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.
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Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
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Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
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Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.
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In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.
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Talk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.
BILL MAHER