Some people think I enjoy debate. I don’t. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.
BILL MAHERYou can’t pray away global warming, and that’s the difference between religious people and sane people.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
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Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it’s sexy but one thing that men never think is, “Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.”
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I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.
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As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it.
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You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
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Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
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If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?
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At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.
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We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.
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Talk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.
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The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
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It’s not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That’s predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.
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God knows life sucks. It’s right there in the Bible. The book of Job is all about Job asking God to take away pain and misery. And God says, “I can’t take away pain and misery because then no one would talk to me.”
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The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’
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I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.
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Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
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You can always tell when Obama’s negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he’s missing his watch and his lunch money.
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I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
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In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.
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I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
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In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas.
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
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To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.
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Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.
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Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
BILL MAHER