I’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.
BILL MAHERCan we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
More Bill Maher Quotes
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Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.
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Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.
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Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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Hollywood isn’t your cesspool, America. It’s your mirror.
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Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.
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The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
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Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?
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Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.
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The Drug War is an addiction, really.
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I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it’s your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate?
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When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.
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Religion is insanity by consensus.
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Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
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I think what’s dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.
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Funny that all of Nixon’s crimes – anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars – are all legal now. Discuss.
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In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.
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What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically.
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Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.
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When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.
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If you think you have it tough, read history books.
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The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
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We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
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The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
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Talk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.
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You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time, husband!!!
BILL MAHER