“America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.”

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.

In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.

The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?

The cable TV sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people, and don’t come in clearly enough.

You can’t pray away global warming, and that’s the difference between religious people and sane people.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re DEFINITELY GAY!!

Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep and conformists.

If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.

The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity – mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism – mumbling to the wall, Islam – mumbling to the floor.

The life of an uneducated man is as useless as the tail of a dog which neither covers its rear end, nor protects it from the bites of insects.

The psychological and moral comfort of a presence at once humble and understanding-this is the greatest benefit that the dog has bestowed upon man.

If I loved a guy as much as I love my dog, the guy would be in serious trouble because I’m all over that dog, all of the time.

Let anyone speak hundreds of things against you, do not resent by giving a bitter reply. If you tolerate such things, you will certainly be happy. If anybody wants any money from you, and you are not inclined to give, do not give. But do not bark at him like a Dog.

It’s Christmas time and my rhyme’s steady bumpin. Everybody happy, hair still nappy, Gonna steal a gift for my old grandpappy.

A grateful dog is better than an ungrateful man.

A dog will never forget the crumb thou gavest him, though thou mayst afterwards throw a hundred stones at his head.

Man is, beyond dispute, the most excellent of created beings, and the vilest animal is a dog; but the sages agree that a grateful dog is better than an ungrateful man.