I always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
BILL MAHERAmerica is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.
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Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
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Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
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Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.
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I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
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Ninety percent of people support background checks. Which means even people who can’t pass a background check support background checks.
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When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.
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Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
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The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
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If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?
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Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?
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If conservatives get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’
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To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.
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Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
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If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
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The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
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Religion is insanity by consensus.
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I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
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Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
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Just honest. To me, being ‘politically incorrect’ means the opposite of being political — which means to spin everything. That’s all it’s ever meant to me. It’s never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.
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If you think you have it tough, read history books.
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You can’t pray away global warming, and that’s the difference between religious people and sane people.
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Only a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.
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You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
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They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
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The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
BILL MAHER