“Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’”

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn’t have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Denying racism is the new racism.

I don’t respect religon. I don’t respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.

Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.

You know, there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time, husband!!!

It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.