In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas.
BILL MAHERThe church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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If you think you have it tough, read history books.
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The Drug War is an addiction, really.
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In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.
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The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
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Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.
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The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
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If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
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Men are only as loyal as their options.
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You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
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We don’t really have to make fun of religion – it makes fun of itself.
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Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?
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What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I’m not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they’re anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they’re anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they’re super Christian, they’re a witch.
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To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click ‘I Agree’.
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.
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The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
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What I believe in is love your neighbor as yourself and don’t call him stupid because they don’t agree with you politically.
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Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
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If it weren’t for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.
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I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
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People have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re DEFINITELY GAY!!
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If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
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Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass.
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Religion is insanity by consensus.
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I’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.
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Funny that all of Nixon’s crimes – anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars – are all legal now. Discuss.
BILL MAHER