“Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.”

If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.

The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity – mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism – mumbling to the wall, Islam – mumbling to the floor.

Talk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.

Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.

If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I’m not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they’re anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they’re anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they’re super Christian, they’re a witch.

Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.

I feel terrible for a Palestinian child who dies. But, if it’s your father, your brother or your uncle who was firing those rockets into Israel, whose fault is it really? Do you really expect the Israelis not to retaliate?

Men are only as loyal as their options.

I think what’s dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.

The plain fact is: religion must die for mankind to live.

That’s what’s so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.

I’m for the death penalty, I’m pro-abortion, I’m pro-assisted suicide, I’m pro-regular suicide. Anything that’ll get the traffic moving.

Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.

To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.

If the blind put their hands in God’s, they find their way more surely than those who see but have not faith or purpose.

Jesus welcomes sinners and eats with them.

Anyone who has no need of anybody but himself is either a beast or a God.

The God of all consolation, who heals the broken hearts and takes care of the wounds, hear our prayer:

Me and God we don’t get along.

If you want to be happy, try only to please God, not people.

When goodness is lost there is morality.

God’s most lordly gift to man is decency of mind.