“The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’”

Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

If it weren’t for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.

I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.

If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.

Only a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.

Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?

The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.

When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they’d said or did when they were in office.

The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They’re supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.

We don’t really have to make fun of religion – it makes fun of itself.

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.

In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will.

My weaknesses have always been food and men – in that order.

I never eat salad. I make sure I don’t put a lot of junk into my system, but I hate vegetables!

Alcohol is the devil and I need Chinese food.

There is no love sincerer than the love of food.

So we find that the three possible solutions of the great problem of increasing human energy are answered by the three words: food, peace, work.

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Ice-cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn’t illegal.