If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?
BILL MAHERIf you think you have it tough, read history books.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.
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If you believe that the world is going to come to an end – and perhaps any day now – does it not drain one’s motivation to improve life on earth while we’re here?
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We don’t really have to make fun of religion – it makes fun of itself.
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Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.
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Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
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Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
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If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
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Here’s the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He’s never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He’s totally – he’s the white Kanye.
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They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
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Faith means the purposeful suspension of critical thinking. It’s nothing to be admired.
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Death is nature’s way of killing you.
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If you believe Jesus ever had a good word for war or torture or tax cuts for the rich, or raping the earth, or refusing water to dying migrants, then you might as well believe bunnies lay painted eggs.
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Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.
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Men are only as loyal as their options.
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Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.
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Some people think I enjoy debate. I don’t. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.
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Talk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.
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In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.
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That’s what’s so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.
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Denying racism is the new racism.
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I have always defined political correctness as an elevation of sensitivity over truth.
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Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.
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I feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.
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I don’t say that I’m an atheist. I don’t like that term, because I think it mirrors the certitude of religion. I say I don’t know. And if you don’t know – and you don’t – just man up and say you don’t know. Don’t turn to silly stories and ancient myths.
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I always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
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Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn’t know a game is going on?
BILL MAHER