I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERGEvery book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
MITCH HEDBERG