I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERGEvery book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG