I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
MITCH HEDBERGI was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG -
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG -
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG -
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
MITCH HEDBERG -
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERG -
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
MITCH HEDBERG