I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERGI was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG -
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG