“One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.”

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”

On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’

I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

On life’s vast ocean diversely we sail. Reasons the card, but passion the gale.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.

People made fun of my skinny legs.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?