I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERGIf carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG