I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG -
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERG