I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
MITCH HEDBERG -
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG