I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
MITCH HEDBERG