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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor Problem
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Way
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERG

Believe Deep Ghost People
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Life
I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Watches
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Doe Funny Humor
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG

Brother Funny Humor
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Hero Real
I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Girlfriend Humor
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Guy Humor Serious Wrong
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fashion Funny Hairs Humor
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Hurt
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Jobs
I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor Lake
I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Language Word

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

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