“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.

I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

When I die, I will send down a shower of roses from the heavens,I will spend my heaven by doing good on earth.

Until death it is all life.

It frightens me to realize that, if I had died before the age of fifty, I would have died a ‘Negro’ fraction.

Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest – then we can all die laughing.

See, my children, a person who is in a state of sin is always sad. Whatever he does, he is weary and disgusted with every thing; while he who is at peace with God is always happy, always joyous. . . Oh, beautiful life! Oh, beautiful death!

There never is absolute birth nor complete death, in the strict sense, consisting in the separation of the soul from the body. What we call births are developments and growths, while what we call deaths are envelopments and diminutions.

A recluse without books and ink is already in life a dead man.

The counterfeit innovator is wildly self-confident. The real one is scared to death.