I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERGMy fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERG