I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERGWhy is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG