I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
MITCH HEDBERGI haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
MITCH HEDBERG