I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERGOn a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERG