I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERGOn a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG