If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
MITCH HEDBERGMagicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MITCH HEDBERG