“Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!””

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’

One attacks those who possess things that one does not possess. The attack is all the more savage because the one who attacks is destitute and the one who is attacked is well provided.

I don’t admire how much a person has, I admire what a person does with what they have and I think that defines you most.

God does not flunk any of His children. He just re-enrolls them.

I think you have to be fair with one another. It’s unfortunate when someone does something that’s not authentic, or not there for any reason other than to draw attention.

If you decide you want to change your life around, it doesn’t matter where you came from, what you did.

Richelieu was a great statesman, and like all great statesman, he was a very ruthless man.

God does not change us in order to love us. He loves us in order to change us.

Failure in the past does not nullify purpose in the future.