I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
MITCH HEDBERGRice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERG