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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Guy Humor
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
MITCH HEDBERG

Death Fake Funny Plant Sarcastic
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Girl Mad Relationship
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fall Funny Myself Travel
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERG

Experience Sky Thinking Travel
Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG

Air Funny Humor Problem
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Life
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
MITCH HEDBERG

Climate Funny Humor Men
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor Hurt
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
MITCH HEDBERG

Food Friendship Funny Humor
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Funny Humor Running
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
MITCH HEDBERG

Crazy Dance Funny Humor Yourself
I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG

Animal Giraffe Hate
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG

Fashion Funny Hairs Humor
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERG

Funny Humor People

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

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