I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG