I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG