Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG