I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
MITCH HEDBERGI wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERG -
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG