“When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.”

I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.

I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

The day you stop racing, is the day you win the race.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

I was an idiot when I was a kid.

Ultimately, who you choose to be in a relationship with and what you do in your bedroom is your business.

It never hurts to have friends around, so that’s why you’d form a crew.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny.

The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.