Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
MITCH HEDBERG