The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERG