Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERGI’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG