“I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.”

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”

On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’

I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

I seem to have no dress sense at all. I’m always being listed in New York among one of the ten worst dressed men of the year. Someone once described me as “looking like an unmade bed.” He was right!

It’s funny, our beauty standard has become harder and tougher because we live in a tough age. I don’t think anyone wants to walk down the street and feel vulnerable. You want to walk down the street and feel like you’re in control.

It’s the humidity reminding me why I barely straighten my hair for me.

Funny thing about the mind, It can trap and free you at the same time.

It’s sad to be constantly judged for every move you make after your first success. If you wear your hair differently, you have changed.

The missed call and call back drama between men and women deserves its own user mannual.

Eight days ago, we were the toast of the town. Eight days later we’re Thanksgiving turkeys.