“I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!”

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”

On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’

I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I feel I can still do the same job as I did 10 years ago – I’ve just got a few more wrinkles!

For some odd reason, I like a man in sweatsuits. Obviously, you want your man to look good in a suit, but I like when men look comfortable, and the swagger just stands out of that.

Stand naked in front of the mirror and say, ‘I’m f–king sexy.’ That’s where it starts.

There are not one hundred people in the United States who hate The Catholic Church, but there are millions who hate what they wrongly perceive the Catholic Church to be.

Everything we look at and choose is some way of expressing how we want to be perceived.

I never saw you this way but when I did there was no way back.

If only he would look at me. Look at me the way I look at poetry.

A man may be hot but he’s not when he’s shot cause you can’t get a man with a gun.