“I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.”

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.

I do believe in God. But you won’t find me visiting temples every now and then. I believe in self-realization. Peace of mind matters a lot to me. What’s the point in doing something just for the sake of it? I’d rather do something I like doing as long as I’m being true to myself.

Being confident and believing in your own self-worth is necessary to achieving your potential.

The biggest mistake that you can make is to believe that you are working for somebody else.

Let us set our goals too high; let us demand more of ourselves than we believe we possess.

I’m a feminist because I believe in women, it’s a heavy word, feminism, but it’s not one I think we should run from. I’m proud to be a feminist.

The lecturer should give the audience full reason to believe that all his powers have been exerted for their pleasure and instruction.

Speak up. Believe in yourself. Take risks.

Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.