I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERGI know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG