I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERGI hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
MITCH HEDBERG -
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
MITCH HEDBERG -
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
MITCH HEDBERG