Every picture of you is when you were younger.
MITCH HEDBERGYou know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG