I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERGYou know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
MITCH HEDBERG