One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERGYou know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG