Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
MITCH HEDBERGAn escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
MITCH HEDBERG