“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

My mother taught me to always be strong and always work hard. She’s been working hard her whole life for me and my brother. I’m a lot like her in that I work hard for what I want. She taught me that.

My mother was a champion high-jumper. My three brothers are basketball players. We’ve all been very athletic.

Wherefore, if meat causeth my brother to stumble, I will eat no flesh for evermore, that I cause not my brother to stumble.

Brother,” Artemis chided. “You do not help my Hunters. You do not look at, talk to, or flirt with my Hunters. And you do not call them sweetheart.

And last, my mom. I don’t think you know what you did. You had my brother when you were 18 years old. Three years later, I came out. The odds were stacked against us. Single parent with two boys by the time you were 21 years old. Everybody told us we weren’t supposed to be here.

When brothers fight to death a stranger inherit their father’s estate.

There was a kid that had five brothers and sisters, and the family was missing for like five days. I was watching TV, they [found each other] and now they’re in San Antonio. So I bought them a little apartment in San Antonio. But I’m doing stuff like that all over.

My goal was just to try and be the best player on my high school team, and look where I am now. And that was still my goal as a young kid, just to try and be a little better than my brother was.