I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
MITCH HEDBERGWhen I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
MITCH HEDBERG -
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
MITCH HEDBERG