If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
MITCH HEDBERGEvery picture of you is when you were younger.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
MITCH HEDBERG