“I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.”

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I’m under the table/After four I’m under my host.

If someone has Ebola at a cocktail party they’re contagious and you can catch it from them.

You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you.

I think my mom threatened to put me up for adoption a few times.

I’ve been up and down so many times that I feel as if I’m in a revolving door.

Men are seldom blessed with good fortune and good sense at the same time.