“I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.”

Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.

I like doing nothing, actually. Doing nothing is better thing when I am not working.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

The only negativity I need in my life right now is a COVID test.

Something feels funny. I must be thinking too hard.

To eat and drink without a friend is to devour like the lion and the wolf.

If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously. Punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.

I like having someone I can spoil.