black
grey
blue
red
brown
white

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

Joan Rivers

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Humor Husband Marriage Myself
One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
JOAN RIVERS

Herself Oneself People Rebel Thinking Woman
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Run Smile Time
When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn’t wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
JOAN RIVERS

Change Decision Himself Husband Marriage Mindset Myself
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to ‘ripley’s believe it or not’ – they sent it back and said, “we don’t believe it.”
JOAN RIVERS

Believe Parent Ugly
If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
JOAN RIVERS

Funny God Himself
Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
JOAN RIVERS

Cook Love Man Woman
If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
JOAN RIVERS

Fun Right Yourself
Happiness, at my age, is breathing
JOAN RIVERS

Age Breathe Funny Happiness Inspiration One Liner
I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
JOAN RIVERS

Black Friendship Himself Myself Possible Race
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself
If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
JOAN RIVERS

Believe Greatness Marriage People Scare
The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
JOAN RIVERS

Hairs Myself See Time
There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I’ve Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
JOAN RIVERS

Book Different Education Help Misfortune
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
JOAN RIVERS

Date Fashion Marriage Mom Myself
The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.
JOAN RIVERS

Act Listening Rule Survive Thinking Yourself
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
JOAN RIVERS

Enough Myself Open Opportunity Smart
Old age is always ten years more than we are.
JOAN RIVERS

Age Old Reality
On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
JOAN RIVERS

Eat Food Yourself
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
JOAN RIVERS

Appearance Funny Myself
If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERS

Deal Laugh Yourself
Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
JOAN RIVERS

Enough Thankful Yourself
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERS

Funny Hell Herself Mom Myself
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.
JOAN RIVERS

Forget Herself Movie Remember Role
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
JOAN RIVERS

Fools Laughter Yourself
Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
JOAN RIVERS

Attraction Change Death Greatness People Place Thinking Young
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
JOAN RIVERS

Darkness Hard Time Optimism Positive Present Success Thinking

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

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