In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.
JOAN RIVERSI’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it…Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Keep moving. It’s hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. You get better.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
JOAN RIVERS