If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
JOAN RIVERSMy parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Moving on is a gift you give yourself.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
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I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’
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When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now…once he opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
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Better laid than never.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say ‘My wife makes a delicious cake’ to some hooker?
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
JOAN RIVERS