“My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, “Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can’t you be like your cousin Shelia?” Shelia had died at birth.”

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.

Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.

I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.

Rest but never quit. Even the sun has a sinking spell each evening. But it always rises the next morning. At sunrise, every soul is born again.

When you were born you were crying and everyone else was smiling. Live your life so at the end, your’re the one who is smiling and everyone else is crying.

Failure is part of the natural cycle of business. Companies are born, companies die, capitalism moves forward.

Be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them.

There is no greater gift you can give or receive than to honor your calling. It’s why you were born. And how you become most truly alive.

I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn.

If you are born Poor its not your mistake, but if you die poor its your mistake.