“Edgar had a heart attack, and I’m to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.”

If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn’t scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, ‘Let me help you with those buttons’ and I told him, ‘I’m completely naked’.

Life is so tough. I don’t know how old you are, but I’ve seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.

Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I blame myself for searching for warriors in people that were never brave enough to smile at my demons.

The secret thoughts of a man run over all things, holy, profane, clean, obscene, grave, and light, without shame or blame.

We make allowance for a certain degree of selfishness in men; because we know it to be inseparable from human nature, and inherent in our frame and constitution. By this reflexion we correct those sentiments of blame, which so naturally arise upon any opposition.

Holy shadows of the dead, I am not to blame for your cruel and bitter fate, but the accursed rivalry which brought sister nations and brother people to fight one another.

Cultural identity; warped and changed. Each of you thinks the other is to blame, It’s created this way, yet we all play a role. We could stop it today if we felt the truth in our souls.

I’m not sure if i’m to blame for all my relationship failures. But when i look at the wreckage I am the only commonality.

You will become a teacher of yourself when for the same things that you blame others, you also blame yourself.

I don’t blame the players today for the money. I blame the owners. They started it. They wanna give it to ’em? More power to ’em.